All aboard the Titanic!

We have now come upon the greatest thing technology has ever brought us since the creations of Furby, Tempurpedic mattress samples at Brookstone and the ability to illegally download music.  I'm talking about Titanic 3D. HELL. YES. Unless the Caps make a miracle run to their first Stanley Cup, I'm pretty certain that there might be nothing better in 2012 seeing Leo jumping on the bow of the ship, 3D hair flowing and screaming "I'm king of the world!" Those who know me well know that I have a soft spot for 'Titanic'. If that movie is on TNT twice in a row on a Sunday, there is about a zero percent chance of physical activity for roughly the next nine hours of my life.  I have a lot of fights to pick with Titanic, as well as some certain things from the movie that should be AWESOME in 3D. So instead of a "top 10" list per usual, here are my top five of each of the previously mentioned notes.

Five things that pissed me off:

The watchmen who didn't see the iceberg in time: Those guys sucked. Sure, they were featured for about 45 seconds combined over three scenes, but they were worthless. Other than watching Jack and Rose hooking up a couple of times and touching each other or whatever they were doing in that watch tower, what the hell did they ever do? How do you not see that GIANT piece of ice right in front of you? Oh yeah, you're too busy with your hands in each other's pants watching Leo get lucky on deck. A**holes.
"I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go." - Liar. Rose lied right to Jack's pale white, dead face. The most famous line of the movie is a complete sham. "My heart will go on" playing in the background while Leo sinks to his ice grave and Rose steals a dead guy's whistle to save herself. Not cool. More on this later.
Cal Hockley was an idiot: After his ginger fiance ran away with slumdog millionare Jack not once, but twice, he has the audacity to give her his coat when she's allegedly cold during lifeboat evacuations. How do you not realize the diamond is in your coat?!? Did anyone else see the size of that thing? It probably doubled how much the coat weighed when he put it in his pocket. How do you not realize that your coat weighs an extra twelve pounds worth of diamond?!? "I put the diamond in the coat… and I put the coat on her!" Dumbass. I would have kept the diamond and dropped the line that comes seconds later after he fails to kill Leo, "I hope you two enjoy your time together!" and headed to my arranged lifeboat  seat before s**t got too out of control.
The lifeboat left with twelve people on it: TWELVE?!? I mean, I understand wanting to have leg room n all, but when everyone in the boat had room to put their feet up and you know you're short on lifeboats to begin with, try to squeeze a few more in maybe. I blame Mr. Andrews for wanting an over-the-top metrosexual ship with perfect lifeboat to dead people ratio.
Rose was such a bitch: The following is an actual rant I put on my friend Colleen's Facebook wall on May 9, 2010, while apparently furious with Rose.

"Things that piss me off between now and the next commercial break - 1. "It's so cold" - Rose Dawson. Well no s**t, Rose. It's 32 f***ing degrees out. 2. Jack only tried to get on the door one time, and when he quit Rose didn't exactly go out of her way to try to get him to try again..what a selfish b**ch. That door is big enough for them to lay down and play Monopoly on. They could probably fit 5 more people on there, even 5 fat people. Help me understand that woman's flaws, thanks."

Yeah he looks fine..

My views on this woman have not changed to this day.


Five things that should be great in 3D:

This part. Not because girls find this the biggest turn on of a movie scene ever and will fall in love with any guy seated near them or anything. Especially since I'm more likely to see this movie with a bunch of dudes than any socially acceptable females. Nope, it's all about the flow. Leo had arguably the best head of hair in movie history in this film, and the wind is sure moving as the Titanic goes all steam ahead. Being a hockey player, a lot of emphasis must be put on appreciating a good head of golden locks, so credit to young Leo for this one. If you take a girl on a date to see this movie and she isn't in the bathroom during this scene, I would say there's roughly a 127% chance you're hooking up later that night. Game changer.

When the Titanic breaks in half: I don't know about you, but I couldn't stand Spicer Lovejoy all movie. Have no idea who he is? Neither did I. I had to IMDB the character list to figure out his name. I'm talking about the old guy who planted the diamond in Jack's coat and then sat with him down below when he was handcuffed and kept rolling the bullet down the slanted table. Watching that guy's face all bloody while he hangs onto the railing for dear life right where it cracks in half was great, especially when he fell down into the newly created 8-story drop in the ship. "I do believe this ship might sink!" No s*it, douchebag.

The sex scene: Not trying to get too perverse over here or anything, but is this going to be the first sex scene ever shown in 3D? Unless Nick Cage got lucky in Drive Angry 3D which I somehow just never managed to see, I'm willing to bet it is. Ladies in the theater are going to crumble at the knees when that whole hand on the window deal happens, right?

Get some, Jack!

The ship hitting the iceberg: Self explanatory. Between the ice chunks falling to the deck, the underbelly of the ship getting split open and the water rushing in, the dudes getting paid minimum wage to work down there trying to make it through the watertight doors, and even the dudes kicking around the two-foot block of ice on deck like it's a soccer ball, that should be pretty damn cool in 3D.

Leo sinking: No denying it, that's going to be pretty badass. Leo DiCaprio just falling to the bottom of the freezing cold Atlantic with his hand in the air is going to be fairly interesting. Possible that I find myself yelling at Rose's when she let's go. Again, Rose is just a complete liar..

Well there you have it kids, you're officially ready to go see Titanic set sail in three dimensions! Get on it, and maybe I'll see you there.